I Tried So Hard
by Rosella6199
Summary: My name is Lucy Heartfillia and my life is not what it seems. I was broken and torn, I saw many men die and perish within arms reach. I do not deserve the power I have now, I deserve to burn. To burn in hell. "Blinded by fear. Drowning in doubt. Struggling to be free. Looking for a way out." Rated T, just in case.


**Chapter One:**

_Blinded by Fear…._

I can never do what I wanted, never being able to speak for myself. Maybe that's how it should be. Maybe I was supposed to watch my love burn in flames, as his skin melted away. His eyes, I will always remember. The way he stared at me with plea and the sorrow as he realized that I wouldn't come to even say my last goodbyes. But as he closed those beautifully cold eyes and took a deep breath, I knew that he accepted it. I knew that he wouldn't say goodbye to me either, I finally figured out that I lost him forever.

I guess that was the first of the many ways I gave up in life.

…

My mother had passed away when I was of the measly age of ten, leaving me behind to deal with my horrendous father whom I will always dread. He never seemed to care about me at all, although I am the only heir to the family fortune. He only wanted the wealth that his job offers, none of the love I try to send every day of my life.

Ever since I was little, he would always set some sort of arranged relationship with a son from another prosperous family. Usually the old and fat type of people, but I guess he finally got the message because this time around, the male was around my age. He was strikingly attractive, his vivid blue gray eyes stood out the most. I felt so overwhelmed, I couldn't breathe. It felt like there were hands crushing my lungs as my heart clenched and unclenched. The process repeated over and over again.

My pulse started to quicken and my palm began to sweat, his sickeningly sweet smirk did nothing to slow any of it down. I was hypnotized, entranced by the way he smiled or the flow of his voice. I couldn't even focus on anything the people around me were saying, only the way his eyes flickered to me every so often, of the way his lips curved when he smiled.

I was in love, the moment I set eyes of him. And I knew it, I accepted it with all of my heart and soul, I thought I finally found my ticket out of this hell called life. Oh, if only I knew.

We would stay up all night, talking about the books we read or the stars we saw that night. I would go to his mansion on the other side of the city, enter his room without knocking because I knew that he would never mind. That he would sense my presence before I even opened the door. Oh, if only I knew.

One night, I pushed open his door to be greeted with the most horrid sight I had ever seen. Worse than the times I was harassed by the old men, or the times when my father wouldn't even look at me. It was nearly as dreadful as the time I watched my mother float away from me.

I bet you know exactly what I saw. I bet you can already picture the scene, as my mouth froze and the words that died on my tongue. I bet you can see the picture of pure horror on my face and my fists that shook.

The moment I walked in, I saw the maid that he always talked to, laying under his chest, her arms wrapped around his neck, her dress practically falling off and the blush still present on her face. His hands were placed on either side of her head, one leg in between hers.

The moment I walked in, I saw their lips intertwined and the trail of saliva on the maid's chin. Her hands were tangled in his soft locks, her hair tie was undone. His dress shirt had been unbuttoned and his vest was lying on the floor. Both of their shoes were thrown haphazardly around the room.

The moment I walked in, his head snapped up and her eyes slowly enlarging in shock, I bet that she felt disappointed that the moment was ruined. She had mumbled an apology before she grabbed her shoes and dashed out of the room.

I had stared in disbelief, walked over and slapped him. "You bastard!" I had screamed, then followed the maid and ran out.

…

We had fixed our relationship after that; he had claimed that she had engaged the act and that he was forced. I never believed him, but I wanted us to be okay again so I just went along with his words. I never spoke a word about it to my father and he the same.

Although the maid was fired, I had a suspicion that he still snuck out to meet with her. I had to admit, she was beautiful. She had flowing brown hair, contrasting my bright blonde.

We continued spending our nights together, but always in a detached manner. At first, I never noticed it; I thought it was because I was just being paranoid. But I was wrong; he would no longer kiss me. He would rarely even hug me, barely even touch me. We would never hold hands or walk side by side.

But he would still murmur 'I love you's at night before we slept, and I believed him.

…

That night was one of the worst nights ever. I had finally confronted him; I had finally told him that I couldn't take it anymore. He had seemed shocked at first, I could relate to what he was feeling. But that shock morphed into feigned confusion, "What do you mean?" he had asked, I felt stupid for ever believing this man.

We were soon screaming at the top of our lungs, throwing things and slamming doors. Our footsteps as one chased after the other resounded and echoed in the halls, our shouts and yells overlapping each other's. The lamps that were crushed, the shattered glass, the books that tumbled to the ground and the other objects as they collided with the cold floor, broke a piece of my heart.

He had admitted it, without much of a defense for himself. He didn't even try to hide it, I was right. He was always sneaking out to meet with the maid, nearly every night when I was asleep. I was right; he would always lie to my face and never touch me because he made a promise with the bitch on the other side. I never felt so betrayed in my life.

While we were caught up in our argument, a fire had sparked somewhere in the mansion. The maids were running around, trying to distinguish the ever growing flames. The master of the building, his father, had been gone for weeks on a business trip like my father always has.

The fire soon made its way into the room we were in, that room that we once shared. I didn't notice until I smelt the distinct scent of burning flesh. I was nearest to the window at the time, and he had his back to the door. The flames had burst through the now fallen barricade and finally found its prey.

He was crying out in agony and torture, he couldn't move as his legs were planted in the floor in fear. His eyes that captivated me now whispered for forgiveness, but he wasn't the only one afraid. I couldn't breathe, couldn't blink. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't scream for help. I watched him fall to his knees and looked at me once more.

I never said goodbye, he accepted it. I could see the regret in his last breath, whether regretting that he ever deceived me or that he couldn't see the face of the beautiful brunette he snuck out to see.

He never said goodbye, I accepted it. I realized that I lost him, that moment that he closed his eyes and awaited his inevitable death. I knew from the way his shoulders slumped or the way he nodded ever so slightly.

We accepted it.

We knew it.

We left it.

Because….

We were _blinded by fear._


End file.
